Frantic - Episode 02

"Frantic"

Episode Two: The One with the Frantic

Kitty-Bill: So that first one... was it any good?
Bill: I don't know. It sure was weird, wasn't it?
Kitty-Bill: You think you're normal, don't you?
Bill: ... a little.
(Bill frowns.)
Kitty-Bill: What the fuck was up with all the Styx references??? What the fuck did you put Dennis DeYoung into the story for?
Bill: ... He's got a head on him like a rabbit.
(Kitty-Bill pauses and then looks at the screen.)
Kitty-Bill: Let's start the show.

(Opening Titles. "I'm The Urban Spaceman" - The Bonzo Dog Band)

(Cut to Harold and Bill in the garage, Bill is yelling into a microphone and Harold is playing some licks on the guitar.)
Bill: SLOW RIDE! TAKE IT-
(Harold stops.)
Harold: STOP.
(Bill looks around confused. Harold begins to play "Where Is My Mind?" by The Pixies. Bill grins. Harold goes into a solo that would make Jimi Hendrix proud.)
Bill: Hey, how are you doing that?
Harold: It's a cartoon sitcom. I can pretty much do anything if it's written into the script.
Bill: Huh...
(Harold disappears in a flash of light. In his place stands some hot wench ready for sex. Bill smiles and shakes uncontrollably.)
Bill: Now that's what I call literary genius!
(He winks at the camera.)

(Cut to Bill in the writer's room. Gina is pulling on his ear and has him in a headlock.)
Gina: Change him back.
Bill: Ow-Ow-Ow-Ow-Okay-Ow-Ow-Ow!

(Cut back to the garage, Harold is back to normal. Bill is sad.)
Harold: If we're going to start a band, we're going to need more than just you and me.
Bill: Depending on how you look at it, you might be right.
Harold: We're gonna need money to buy decent instruments...
Bill: Money... money... money...
(Bill begins a dream sequence about where to get money. "Money" - Pink Floyd.)
Bill: I'll get some money.
Harold: From where?

(Cut to the front exterior of a sperm bank. After a short pause, cut to the interior of the sperm bank.)
Receptionist: It's a good thing you came along when you did. We've been running short on semen for the past few weeks.

(Cut to a black screen.)
3 Weeks Later...

(Cut to Bill coming into the sperm bank. He sees Gina at the desk. He freaks out and hides.)

(Cut to a black screen.)
Earlier that day...

(Cut to Gina sleeping. Her alarm clock goes off, and she abruptly gets up and slams it against the wall.)
Gina: I HAVE TO HAVE A BABY!!!

(Cut to Bill.)
Bill: Oh no...

(Cut to Bill coming to Gina in the house.)
Bill: Hey... Gina...
Gina: Hey Bill.
Bill: Where were you earlier...?
Gina: At the sperm bank.
Bill: What for...?
Gina: I'm going to have a baby.
Bill: I-I-I see... I don't know how to put this but... do you know who's sperm they gave you?
Gina: Some guy. I don't know. B something.
(Bill smacks his forehead.)
Bill: They didn't do it already, did they???
Gina: Yeah, I had it done this afternoon.
Bill: ... B something, huh?
Gina: Yeah... why do you ask?
Bill: Gina... I have to tell you something.

(Cut to exterior of Gina's room door. Short pause and Bill comes flying out of it, slamming against the wall as Gina lunges after him.)

(Cut to Harold who is watching them wrestle. His hair is gone and he has a small device on his ear which no one but the viewer seems to notice.)
Harold: Good evening brethren.
(They stop wrestling and stare at him.)
Bill: ... What's that thing on your ear?
Harold: What thing...? There is no... thing.
Bill: You know, the thing we're not supposed to be able to see, but I can see anyway because I'm not a retard.
(Harold blushes slightly.)
Harold: It's nothing.
Bill: Did you join a cult?
(Harold smiles with glee.)
Harold: Yes! It's awesome, isn't it?
Bill: I gotta admit, that scar where they removed part of your brain IS pretty cool.
Harold: Yeah... I'm gonna go find something to sacrifice.
(Harold walks off. Bill and Gina look at each other briefly, before Gina continues beating the crap out of him.)

LATER THAT DAY...

(Gina is sleeping. Harold sneaks up and peeks at her crotch.)
Harold: Hmm..
(He has a depraved look on his face. He approaches her and begins examining her crotch up close. She wakes up.)
Gina: ... Harold??? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING???
Harold: ... Can I sacrifice your fetus to my god?
Gina: No... but you can have Bill, if you'd like.
Harold: He's too big. Unfortunately, there's a size limit.
Gina: Damn... Say, where's Julie?

(Cut to Julie standing around in Nepal. Cut back to Harold and Gina.)

Harold: ... I don't know.
(Bill enters the room.)
Bill: Well... THAT'S IT!
Gina: What's it?
Bill: We're being shut down.
Gina: ... What?
Bill: The show. THE WHOLE SHOW! We're shut down until further notice. Something about nonsensical writing.
Gina: But what about-
(Cut to static.)

(Cut to Bill & Kitty-Bill.)
Bill: ... Hello. We're sorry. The episode you just saw wasn't working out as well as we'd hoped it would... We're stupid.
Kitty-Bill: Speak for yourself.
Bill: I am.
Kitty-Bill: How am I stupid? Where did you write Julie in? NEPAL? Next thing you know, you're going to tell me Egypt is in Africa.
Bill: ... Egypt IS in Africa...
Kitty-Bill: When the fuck did Africa buy Egypt?
Bill: That's not... We'll be back... hopefully... with a relevant episode... but you never know with this.

"THE END...?"